Intimacy

Comrades:

I was at home this weekend and between 1 excellent meal, 2 intense games of scrabble, and 3 calculated hours of hot tub time, I was able to extract invaluable Advise and Reflections from my mother about.....well, everything... from whether multi-lingualism in Switzerland has positive long-term implications, to our strong critiques of Victoria's Secret's unreasonably priced 3 for $30 panties, to the serious possibility that I might actually be A-sexual. At some point in these dynamic conversations my mother suggested something I found particularly interesting and wanted to share. We were talking about intimacy (generated of course by an off-handed complaint that I never experience it) and my mother posited that there are three levels of intimacy we need to fulfill: intellectual intimacy, emotional intimacy, and physical intimacy. First we must consider what intimacy is. My mother defined it as total unashamed, nakedness in front of another person (that is, of course, symbolic in the majority of cases) and when you consider it, that seems pretty all-inclusive. You could mention closeness, vulnerability, support and other things relating to intimacy, but I think "total nakedness" encompasses all of that. Secondly, we must consider the participants in intimacy. Are they dyadic? Are they heterosexual? I personally would not like to limit it to either of these conditions, but I would suggest intimacy is rare, and requires time and effort to develop effectively. I hypothesize that it can occur in a group, but it is more difficult because there are even more variables that could threaten the safe pursuit of vulnerability or a necessary contract of closeness.

With that said, let's revisit types of intimacy. Intellectual intimacy. Sooooo important, and arguably the reason many students become inspired by an influential professor, or why people watch the discovery channel. Intellectual curiosity is merely the pursuit of intellectual intimacy. What good is intellectual stimulation if there exists no forum in which it may be nurtured, challenged, and sharpened? In the discourse of women I will also suggest that this is a level of intimacy which is chronically malnourished and begs the colossal question: WHY. (I will skip this discussion for now simply because it begs more than one blog entry to answer but if you have reflections, do share!). I think, however, that any relationship needs a certain degree of intellectual intimacy to make it sustainable and lasting.

Emotional intimacy. This, ladies and ladies, is our specialty. Somehow, we develop a knack for this at a relatively young age and we should take great pride in it, while also bearing in mind the amount of power that it implies......thoughts?

Physical Intimacy. I'm not just referring to sex. Last fall I went to a spa in Las Vegas with a good friend of mine and she and I did it all....and naked. Showers, hot tubs, sitting on the couches drinking water, massages, make up, etc. It was an experience that brought my friend and I, with whom I was already emotionally intimate, to a new level of physical intimacy (and I'll note that it was a very liberating experience...nakedness is entirely underrated!). Or.....have you ever dated a guy who thought it was really sexy to work out together (and you're thinking, I look like total shit, smell, and running simulates my bowel movement...no thank you.) Or have you ever run a long race with someone? Well, I think that for many people physical activity helps work toward a level of physical intimacy with someone, and it greatly adds to balances the other forms of intimacy.

These levels coordinate and interact in different ways and it is interesting to reflect on which types of intimacy you achieve in different relationships. As I reflect I cannot help but aply this to our communities with women: What types of intimacy should we pursue, if any at all? And how? And in general, is there an appropriate developmental progression of the three in a relationship, or is this entirely empirical?

Observation: Generally (very generally) speaking, I think men tend to pursue physical intimacy diligently while women pursue emotional intimacy respectively. In our desperation to achieve both, we musn't ever pressure one another into reaching those levels of nakedness before we are ready. Premature intimacy can be irreversibly damaging and the costs of recovery are sometimes incalculable (and think about that in the context of the intellectual, emotional, and physical). Additionally, if a given relationship deescalates I believe it is morally wrong to in any way abuse the experience of intimacy that we once had with someone. Intimacy is a dangerous thing: it is extremely powerful, very important, should be used rarely and never abused.

Oh the advise of mothers.....If we could put a monetary value on the hours of counseling some of them offer, women would not longer statistically earn 30% less than men.